I'm a great believer in the idea that becoming more of an adult has nothing to do with the idea of being a "fully formed" person, as it seems when we are children, but of being able to manage more efficiently the natural cycles of energy that we deal with day in and day out. I may mentally feel no different than I did as an underaged university student, accelerating through life with all the praise that comes with a nonstandard academic (and social) upbringing, but as a twenty-something, I can feel the difference in precisely my increased ability to get things done even when I feel unexpectedly shitty out of sync.
I have never been a fast or efficient adapter to change of situation, however temporary, so going to Barcelona for three weeks, albeit a much-needed and welcomed bit of respite, threw me for a loop upon arrival. Even today, as I write this, I don't feel entirely back in my normal rhythm (insofar as that actually exists and I'm not just chasing after some conception of normal that I conceive of but never attain), yet I feel nowhere near as unmotivated as I did for the first week of being back. The difference in stimuli, of coming back to not having excellent company every day and new adventures to be had with no responsibilities, left me in a haze of sleeping twelve hours a day and finding it difficult to get out of my bed even for such basic things as eating real meals. My wallet appreciated the lessened spending at the grocery store, though I think my body probably didn't. I had various exams during that week, which I managed to get through and without great difficulty, but the fact remains that I was for all intents and purposes, out of energy. The tank was on reserve fuel for a week, and I was using it as sparingly as possible.
This might sound like the introduction to a sad tale of spiraling into a morose depressive state, but in fact it is anything but. Where my energies were lacking altogether, I got it together in my head and got to work, recognizing that I need to get things done and be productive. I (literally) can't afford to just do nothing every day, and so it was that in the midst of fusing myself to my bed (comfortable I wouldn't necessarily call it, but it's my bed nonetheless), I propped myself up with my computer and got more work done and let ideas flow for new projects at a consistent pace to which I am not normally accustomed. Some of those things have to do with content for this site, of which I have many ideas, including more videos on YouTube, and others have to do with other projects that will help me sustain myself in general. In each case, there will be a steady flow of updates and information in the coming weeks as I get everything prepared and continue expanding on my ideas, at least those which are meant for public view. To accompany this, I also started making a better effort to connect and reconnect with friends and acquaintances, lacking as I felt my social activity has been. It all seems to be amounting to something.
So the lesson to this is that, somehow, I have learned how to manage being in a down state. I don't take any medications for this, and I have plenty of moments where I'm not productive or buzzing with thoughts. But I have managed to capture the energy necessary to continue moving forward and not stopping myself in my tracks. If this is what it means to grow up, well, I'm getting there.
I have never been a fast or efficient adapter to change of situation, however temporary, so going to Barcelona for three weeks, albeit a much-needed and welcomed bit of respite, threw me for a loop upon arrival. Even today, as I write this, I don't feel entirely back in my normal rhythm (insofar as that actually exists and I'm not just chasing after some conception of normal that I conceive of but never attain), yet I feel nowhere near as unmotivated as I did for the first week of being back. The difference in stimuli, of coming back to not having excellent company every day and new adventures to be had with no responsibilities, left me in a haze of sleeping twelve hours a day and finding it difficult to get out of my bed even for such basic things as eating real meals. My wallet appreciated the lessened spending at the grocery store, though I think my body probably didn't. I had various exams during that week, which I managed to get through and without great difficulty, but the fact remains that I was for all intents and purposes, out of energy. The tank was on reserve fuel for a week, and I was using it as sparingly as possible.
This might sound like the introduction to a sad tale of spiraling into a morose depressive state, but in fact it is anything but. Where my energies were lacking altogether, I got it together in my head and got to work, recognizing that I need to get things done and be productive. I (literally) can't afford to just do nothing every day, and so it was that in the midst of fusing myself to my bed (comfortable I wouldn't necessarily call it, but it's my bed nonetheless), I propped myself up with my computer and got more work done and let ideas flow for new projects at a consistent pace to which I am not normally accustomed. Some of those things have to do with content for this site, of which I have many ideas, including more videos on YouTube, and others have to do with other projects that will help me sustain myself in general. In each case, there will be a steady flow of updates and information in the coming weeks as I get everything prepared and continue expanding on my ideas, at least those which are meant for public view. To accompany this, I also started making a better effort to connect and reconnect with friends and acquaintances, lacking as I felt my social activity has been. It all seems to be amounting to something.
So the lesson to this is that, somehow, I have learned how to manage being in a down state. I don't take any medications for this, and I have plenty of moments where I'm not productive or buzzing with thoughts. But I have managed to capture the energy necessary to continue moving forward and not stopping myself in my tracks. If this is what it means to grow up, well, I'm getting there.