Miscellaneous Fuckery

• The primary reaction I get to mentioning Portugal to Americans is "oh, cool! I had a great time in Brazil when I was there!" Sometimes these things just write themselves.

• More fun with Google:
• Two observations from this: first, how obscure (read: irrelevant to the world) does it imply that the things I write about are that such a thing would list my blog in the top place? Second, can we just revel in the idea that some college student desperate for sources stumbled upon this blog looking for something to cite? I can only imagine the horror that might have ensued upon further reading. Published and added to JSTOR, I am not.

• I went from the beach to the weather alternating between actively trying to kill me by means of baking or drowning. At least pick one, and also, can I go back now?

• I still have yet to understand how so much food gets put onto the plates in restaurants, how that could possibly be profitable, and why on earth people actually consume all of it (including myself).

• For as much as I love El Corte Inglés in Lisbon for being the most "American-style" of all of the grocery stores, it holds not even the smallest candle to an average American grocery store in terms of sheer absurdity in selection and quantity of goods. My first trip to the grocery store was a nightmare of staring at 18 (I counted) different brands of essentially the same cereal, frozen between both the volume and the inflated cost of each one. Other products have not served much better.

• The upside to being back is that I have been reunited with my closest confidants with whom I can fret every possible detail of life away, not the least of which being how I will be able to afford to pay to fret my life away.

• Bagels. Who can live without them? Not I, Reader, for I have been consuming them voraciously and without seeming end.

• I discovered, to my own mixed reaction, that I acquired enough shirts in Portugal that I can wear a different one every day for almost two months before going through all of them. For someone accustomed to not owning more than two weeks' worth of clothing, this fact is hard to process. It could be worse, I have known more than one person to have clothing filling multiple closets, including years-old items that still have the shopping tag on them.

• Driving: can we just collectively chill the fuck out? You Denver drivers have it so easy.

• The United States: good for mobile batteries? My phone has had much better battery life on the exact same manner of usage here than in Portugal. Someone with greater technical knowledge please explain this to me.

That's all for today. It hasn't been quite long enough for the absurdity of things around me to normalize and allow me to focus on what isn't.

Things to Which I Have Not Yet Adjusted

There's a bit (or more than) of truth in all of this sarcasm, so take it with good humor.

1. Air conditioning. Why is the United States so cold in the middle of a hot summer?
2. The enormity of everything. We're not exactly hurting for space, are we?
3. Public niceties. Why is everyone smiling at me? I don't know you people.
4. Bad English everywhere. It's like I didn't leave a foreign country, except these people have less of an excuse.
5. Food portions. How is it that restaurants can afford to serve this much food to people per dish?
6. Prices. How is it that Listerine only costs $3 for 1.5L? That would be nearly 20€ in Portugal.
7. Coffee. What is all of this liquid, and what have you done with the espresso that's supposed to be in it?
8. Suburbs. Where did the city go? I can't find it.
9. Drinking. Why must I be prohibited from doing this? Life is not the same without beer and 2€ wine.
10. Geography and climate. Why is it so dry here, and where did the beach go?
11. Dogs at home. Why are these creatures so fat and smell bad? Stop licking me.
12. Customer service. Why are you so efficient, and why are you so friendly? You must be getting paid a lot to care so much.
13. Restaurants. See: food portions. Also, why can't I just pick where I sit? And why are you in such a hurry?
14. Diet Coke. Why do you suddenly taste so foul, what has my exposure to Coke Light and Coke Zero done?
15. Punctuality. No comment.

Things Everyone Should Expect to Hear from Me Upon Arrival

A small post in light of many recent long ones.

1. What do you mean I'm not legally allowed to drink in this country?
2. What do you mean the buses only come once every 30 minutes?
3. Where is the nearest Chipotle?
4. What do you mean I have to drive there?
5. What is that in metric? (also: what is that in Celsius?)
6. Why is a shot of espresso more expensive than half a liter of coffee?
7. No, they don't speak Spanish in Portugal.
8. What do you mean I can't watch this content in my country?
9. Olá-oh, uh, hi.
10. When does the grocery store clo–what do you mean it doesn't?
11. The drivers are so polite here!
12. Why are you eating dinner so early?
13. Why is there so much to choose from?
14. Everything is so big here!
15. It's so amazing that everyone understands what I'm saying here.
16. Where are the bagels?
17. I can pay for this with my credit card, really? Are you completely sure?
18. Why are there so many bills, where are the coins?
19. Yes, I know what I'm doing after graduation and no, I'm not telling you about it.
20. Ciao.