I found an answer to the question looming over my head at the end of the summer, jolting the reality of leaving France as I flew across the Atlantic on an Air Canada flight in which the stewards didn't bother to speak French to anyone. The question left open was that of a return to Europe, the desire to relocate after studying, but having an ambiguous and at most unformed idea of how actually to achieve that. Part of the problems that continue to plague my readjustment to my native country and city stem indeed from the lack of certainty over how, and when, I might be able to return for more than a brief stay. My bond to and impression of France, amid all of the good and bad that comes from the experience of living there, is that of being at home, and my sense of comfort in other places and cultures in Europe is unparalleled in the United States.
The answer to this question comes in the form of studying, yet again, but studying in a different capacity than I have studied abroad before. I will be spending four and a half months in Lisbon, Portugal from February through the middle of June for the sake of studying the development of political theory as relating to citizenship on a grant program run by one of my professors at CU. This is the way in which it is different from my previous jaunts; my studies will relate directly to the work I am doing toward my degree and toward my goal of ultimately finding work in the political sphere of Europe, with the intent of relocation, after graduation. The opportunity to engage with similar people in the Western European sphere and therefore establish connections to promote my competency toward finding substantive opportunities on the continent, whether in the academic or professional spheres, is very tangible. This represents the opportunity for which I have been seeking for the greater part of my college career, and in some ways, the development of my own capacity for seeking out and finding opportunities that match the ambitions of an intellectual renaissance that I have fostered for a similar period of time.
For the sake of not embellishing too much, for I consider this endeavor to be as much work as it is an exciting opportunity, it is important to put into perspective my utter lack of familiarity with any aspect of Portuguese culture. I know effectively no Portuguese, I have not spent any significant amount of time studying the culture, and really my only basis in either one could probably be summarized in the handful of fado songs that I have on my computer. The implicit point is that, to say the least, my time in Portugal will not be like an extended mirror image of France. There will be much more actual work involved, and nothing will be quite as comfortable without a solid basis in the language and the assimilation that provides. I am not concerned by the process of learning Portuguese, because it is not proving terribly difficult given my linguistic background, but I do recognize that these are things that are potential stressors. I hold no pretenses of living in Portugal as some kind of magical wonderland.
As far as work is concerned, it is the continuation of a process that has kicked into full gear in the three months since I arrived back. I have read now 13 books in that period, all relevant in some form to solidifying my knowledge of what I want to study in political science and advancing my understanding of theoretical and cultural concepts that will help me to develop firm ideas for research at the graduate level. Naturally, this spans a wide range of topics, including economics, political theory, religion, and so on, but there is still much to be done. I am sure that this process will be much the same in Portugal, with the access to an even greater pool of resources and recommendations that will provide. I feel like I am making up for lost time at this point, and I have plenty of literature to get through before I can really say I'm at a point of a somewhat erudite understanding of the field I am attempting to pursue. It's work, and there is no shortage of a time commitment involved, reflected in the diminishing of my social life in this period. That will not change because the scenery around me has.
There are 15 weeks, give or take, until I'm slated to leave. The countdown starts now.
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