Post-Grad Redaction

I know I said I was going to write about racism, but you're going to have to wait another post for that. It is worth mentioning that the current semester still needs to be finished, but with such rousing things going on as studying ocean waves and plotting cross-tabs, sue forgive me for not caring just slightly more. What's on my mind is what comes next, and with not so much time remaining, that's probably where it should be.

Portugal is looming again and the uncertainty with which it is happening is the only control variable in this experiment of an adventure I seem to be embarking upon, complicating everything for myself a little bit at a time. The general idea seems simple enough still, despite its obvious seams: go study Portuguese through May or June, get work preferably teaching English to pay the bills, do an MA in European studies for two years, figure out the rest of life somewhere in the meantime. The problem is that life is both expensive and not so simple, and there are plenty of things about Portugal that compound that expense. In purely financial terms, two years of living in Portugal as a student would not cost very much relative to other Western nations, but the raw cost is still a lot of money to account for when employability is not guaranteed. The social cost is less obvious, but has implications for, well, employability as well as my overall state of content with the direction things are taking.

To elaborate on social capital, the idea is fairly simple: it is much easier to advance personally and professionally when you are surrounded by others in the position in which you would like to place yourself. Doing that is made much simpler when communication is not a barrier; the subtleties of communicating with a fellow native of your cultural and linguistic background put that person in your favor significantly more so than even the most adapted and linguistically proficient non-natives. It's a device that you can see at work among study abroad students clinging to their countrymen and the way that we react rather negatively to people not speaking the predominant language of whatever area we come from. I can't claim that in pure academic or professional terms either of my circles in the United States or Portugal is better for the sake of personal advancement, but I have a much more natural time connecting to native English speakers, which is not to deride those who are not. My Portuguese friends will recognize this in themselves—I had many conversations about how they feel less expressive and less like their genuine selves when speaking English than when speaking Portuguese, although their levels of English fluency are excellent and self-sustaining, posing only sporadic problems to communication. Unsurprisingly, in my short time being back in the United States, I have come to realize and appreciate these things and take advantage of it by talking too much.

The MA from Católica remains a highly strategic option for me, it being immediately in my field of interest, a program they would happily accept me into, and costing much less than programs anywhere in the US. I still have some reprehension about it from my time spent taking classes there, though, mostly due to the nature of taking (some, not all) classes in Portuguese and not feeling as though I get as much out of them intellectually as a result. I have a much better time motivating myself and fostering creativity for academic pursuits in English. The upshot is that my work would not have to be done in Portuguese, giving me enough room still to make of the degree what I want. I'm dithering on it, but it remains the best option I have immediately available for graduate school.

I have also given up on any notions of remaining in Portugal on a permanent basis for various reasons to do with both the country and an elaboration of what I've already written about communication. For all of the positive aspects of the country, it is very easy to get a sense of being an outsider in a way that will not change regardless of time spent. Language aside, much of the ties that bind in the country revolve around family situation and history. Portuguese politics and economics are shaped by the country's history of poverty and wealth disparity and their social effects, whether they have caused emigration, corruption, or despair...so much as you would hear it from them, at least. It remains a wonderful place to stay, but my time in the United States has informed my own greater cognizance of the benefits to an 'insider' status, whether that be as simple as language or as complicated as being from somewhere and intrinsically familiar with it. Although I am confident my Portuguese will over time increase in fluency, French will likely always be the secondary language I am most comfortable in. It doesn't take much symbolism to demonstrate why that would pose problems for settlement chez lusitana. The main point is that I've gauged my need for adventure more accurately now and have been allowing that to inform my continually developing thoughts on where I'd like to see myself end up. I'll probably expand on this more clearly in a future post. Just don't count on it being in Boulder.